Sometimes I feel like there are so many rules and there is no way out. Like it is almost impossible to keep every rule. Almost like we are under the Jewish law, but different. There are some rules that I can accept (fornication, lust, pornography, etc.) but there are some that are really difficult for me to wrap my mind around. For example, I date. I am in a relationship with a girl that, if I could marry right this second, I would. But I cant for another three years when she is 18 and I'm 19. I told her that I am not comfortable going farther than French kissing. Now I thought what I was doing was right, but some Catholics jump on me saying "French kissing is a mortal sin!"
I thought I was doing the right thing.... It is how we show affection because I know we cannot do anything sexual. I am not using her, it is just... We can't fully give ourselves to each other until marriage and sometimes an "I love you" isn't enough. Some even say cuddling shouldn't be done until marriage. I know my limits and I know that I shouldn't push them. I am not tempted to go further. Masturbation is a sin. At 16, I feel like I am constantly at war with myself to fight it and I constantly fall. I am just better off being castrated. And to avoid any near occasion of sin, just never leave the house (unless I go to church, in which case, I'll have to go the back way because there is an Italian bakery on the way and I may fall into the sin of gluttony, and I shouldn't talk to anyone at the church at the risk of saying something bad).
ALMOST EVERYTHING IS A MORTAL SIN TO THE CATHOLIC CHURCH! I feel like I'm walking on eggshells! Fear that I am going to do something that will send me to hell! And I love God! Above all things! I live for the Trinity. And that is all I'm going to say. I know I am probably going to get a lot of sharp tongues for posting this, but this is how I am feeling today.
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"Such as the men of Europe. For centuries they have been surrounded by Christianity, but Christ has not penetrated them. Christ does not live in them." - Cardinal Lamberto, The Godfather: Part III
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